May 2010

Special Guest Horoscopes: Captain Adventure

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Though this column is dedicated to allowing those who don't usually interpret the stars to enlighten us with their non-traditional take on the weekly charts, we don't want to be mistaken for folks who let someone write the horoscopes willy-nilly. It takes a fair amount of experience to interpret the ebb and flow of countless fates. In that regard, perhaps no one in the world is more qualified to read the stars than Captain Adventure, star of over a dozen video games since the mid 1980's. It is estimated that the good Captain has accrued some 180 million experience points in the past twenty five years. Here's what he has to say about the daily trials of all the non-super heroes out there.

America Wakes: Part One- The View From Outside

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I can't personally recall any significant details of the dissolve of the former United States. After all, I was only five when it happened and it's not as if what was happening on what my uncle Tim often called "the wrong side" of the Atlantic had much bearing on the day to day activities of people living in Sevenoaks, Kent. There were reports on television and talk among the adults, but what small child ever pays attention to the news? The first real impact the so-called "transition" had on my life was that it left my kindergarten teacher scrambling when we were learning our globe. Yes, this here on the map is where England floats and just across the channel there's Europe with its France and its Spain and its Germany. And then she'd hesitate, banking hard east where the confusing mess of southeast Asia would rescue her from having to explain the complex geopolitics of a situation that, frankly, nobody quite understood yet.

Special Guest Horoscopes: Wags the Dog

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

We came across this week's special guest reader while strolling down the street in Bremerton, Washington. A scrappy mutt sat on a flattened cardboard box with a jar in front of him that said "tips". One of the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad asked the dog, "Where's your master, little guy?" to which the mutt responded, "You're looking at him." He refused to speak again until we tipped him. Two dollars and some loose change later, the dog introduced himself as Wags and began regaling us with his life story. The details will have to wait for another day, but we decided that Wags would be able to bring a particularly unique point of view to the horoscopes. A twenty dollar tip provided us with the following gems of wisdom.

Naked Stoic Lesbian Delivery Service: Chapter Ten

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Some self-important son of a bitch from about 2200 years ago stumbled upon one of the secrets of nature and got it in his fool head that he could kill the world. That's the thing about... people. That word makes my teeth go bitter. The thing about people is they think there's anything in and of this planet that can get rid of everything, or even a good part of everything. Hell, I guess when you live in a village with a population of 50 just north of some muddy river it seems possible that the whole world could get destroyed. But it can't. No force short of a moon-sized rock from space has the power to end our existence once and for all. Try telling that to Sonny, though. Bumpkin never did learn how to listen.

Special Guest Horoscopes: "Cowboy" Bill Waylin

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Today, we would like to welcome Wyoming's own classic rawhide cattle rancher, Bill Waylin (Cowboy to his friends). Cowboy Bill has been getting little doggies along since 1983, though as he's quick to remind folks, he's been twirling lassos and living on the trail since he was just a toddling poke. Word has it that ol' Cowboy knows a thing or two about the stars, seeing as he's spent so much time gazing up at them on those peaceful nights up in the rolling Wyoming hills with as many head of cattle as he could rightly handle. Here's what he has to say about this week's horoscopes.

Naked Stoic Lesbian Delivery Service: Chapter Nine

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Normally I wouldn't ask this because it's kinda silly, but try to put yourself in my place. I'd been darting from shelter to shelter for a week straight trying not to get devoured by starving former supermodels and rental trophy wives, only staying alive because I had a blonde-haired beast of legend following me around. I stank like a whole platoon fresh outta some goat farm outside Kabul and when I finally get to where I was going, first thing I see is a swan doing something uncivilized to a potted orchid. A different man, one who hadn't seen the things I've seen, would've checked right out at that moment. But not me. I stepped over the swan and walked through the foyer of the mansion, following the sound of pistol fire.

Special Guest Horoscopes: Bill Haberman, CFO

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

This week we are honored that William T. Haberman (Bill to his associates), the Chief Financial Officer at the Birrus/Cole Corporation, has taken time out of his busy schedule to read the stars for us. We are contractually bound to inform you readers that the Birrus/Cole Corp is a Fortune 500 company on the cutting edge of modern business solutions and an innovator responsible for next-gen paradigms in the think-heavy lifestyle. Also, Mr. Haberman would like to add that in the United States of America everyone is innocent until proven guilty regardless of the allegations leveled against them in a 1500-word investigative piece featured in the Wall Street Journal.

Naked Stoic Lesbian Delivery Service: Chapter Eight

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We were on Link's trail for months, but no matter how close it felt like we were getting everything went cold eventually. I was missing something. The pet spent most afternoons sleeping in the back of the car, coming alive at night when the scent of its kind stuck in the air like pricey perfume and burning leaves. I never did find out what happened to the car's owner. Maybe he ran off or maybe something worse, something stranger happened before I could get down the hill in Kentucky. I was afraid of getting picked up when the missing person report registered, so I ditched the ride in West Virginia and got my hands on a U-Haul. The pet had the run of the trailer. I still don't know what it did back there, only that every time I lifted the gate I got hit with the momentary scent of sandalwood.

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