Special Guest Horoscopes: Vladimir Davidovich

Special Guest Horoscopes: Vladimir Davidovich

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Vladimir Davidovich is the first guest reader to contact us instead of the other way around. He did so through a complicated series of intermediaries, including a carrier pigeon, a masked associate carrying a microfiche and a coded message found on said microfiche. Apparently for the past twenty years Vladimir has been living in Brazil or possibly Thailand, so he was uncertain of whether or not it was safe for him to visit us at the Zen Ramblings office in America. After a fair amount of convincing, Mr. Davidovich decided to have a quick meeting under cover of darkness where he delivered his reading of the week's horoscopes along with a fairly powerful bottle of vodka.

Aquarius

I always say, never trust an Andalusian, but do not trust one especially this week. I know what you must be thinking; is silly to worry for Andalusian in US of A, which is true, except not this week.

 

Pisces

Always in the movies I see the Walther PPK for spies. The James Bond, yes? Well, let me tell you, MI6 does not carry this weapon. The Englishman, he hides a much bigger gun. Moral of story, do not believe what is told you in movies.

 

Aries

Do not ask me how I know because I cannot tell you, but everything they say about spies and their luck with women is true. Some stereotypes exist for a reason, no? What I mean to say, this week pretend to be a spy.

 

Taurus

Now is good time to start carrying chemical testing kit at all times. Many friends have I seen go to lunch and never come back. And why? Because guns is messy.

 

Gemini

Learn to speak a foreign language. This opens up many job opportunities, such as in US Embassy. Unless you already have access to US Embassy. Do you? Blink once for yes.

 

Cancer

Do not be so quick to say bad things of your boss at work. Take it from me, sometimes old boss is better than new boss. Sometimes new boss don't care to fill out papers before he shoot... eh, fire you.

 

Leo

It is bad idea to get too attached to your opinions. For example, my favorite color was once red. Now is green. Is good to be flexible. And more profitable.

 

Virgo

Now is best time to visit Argentina. Trust me, you no want to go this time next year.

 

Libra

The stars say you must conquer a fear this week. Maybe is spiders, maybe is snipers, maybe is something does not start with S. Just look at me, I conquer both and have only been to hospital five, maybe six times since.

 

Scorpio

Sometimes it seems the opposite sex speaks in code. Half the time is because you are not listening. Other half is because they are speaking in code. Stars say is good idea to learn to break code.

 

Sagittarius

Is a terrible idea to start keeping secrets. You will be happier if you live the honest life. But if you do start keeping secrets, perhaps you make a business of it. You have a secret, you leave a red ribbon on the stop sign on 5th avenue, I will know how to find you.

 

Capricorn

Horoscope say a man named Nikolai who smells always of fish will ask you if you know of me this week. Tell him nothing!