Special Guest Horoscopes: Tyrion Lannister

Special Guest Horoscopes: Tyrion Lannister

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Tyrion Lannister is one of the central characters in George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire novels. He's an exceedingly intelligent dwarf with mismatched eyes and a tendency to get himself into trouble just as quickly as he gets out of it. He stopped by the Zen Ramblings office in the five days between instances of people trying to kill him for crimes both real and imagined. While he hid in our stock room, he insisted on paying for his room and board by interpreting this week's horoscopes for us.

Aquarius

It's commonly accepted knowledge that the whore is less respectable than the knight, but speaking as one who has extensive experience dealing with both, I can assure you they are equals in the realm of honor. This week, try not to judge others merely by their profession.

 

Pisces

Where I come from, there are precious few vintages of wine but I love them all the same. A strong, Dornish red gets a man as drunk as the weakest Arbor gold, so I love them all the same. You would do well to give up your pretensions likewise.

 

Aries

Aries, eh? I once knew a man named Aries. A fine fellow, so long as you ignored his fascination with fire, murder, rape and torture. No matter how bad you feel about yourself this week, know that there are far worse people in the world who share a number of superficial similarities with you.

 

Taurus

You're a stubborn one. Aye, as am I. Sometimes it pays, most times it gets you a smack across the face with a metal gauntlet. But I suppose you cannot change your stubbornness any more than I can grow to be a champion knight. Accept yourself for who you are, just don't be surprised when that results in damage.

 

Gemini

Forget dragons. Twins are dangerous creatures. I know how much havoc mine own brother and sister can cause, and they're always fighting. Imagine what twins can do when they work together. Find a common bond between your competing sides and put them to good use... and woe to those who stand in your way.

 

Cancer

"I once knew a maid with hair the color of sunlight..." ah, I suppose I'm a romantic when all is said and done. I can tell you are, too. It's nothing but trouble, this love business. Oh, but what is life without it? Accept your agony. There's no changing it and it may just make you better.

 

Leo

Spend some time getting to know your father this week. You may find he's a wonderful man. If not... well, how good are you with a crossbow?

 

Virgo

A friend you can buy is a friend who can be bought from you. Figure out who your real friends are before you need to rely on one.

 

Libra

Some mushrooms make a delicious soup and some mushrooms can kill a man, but they all sprout from the ground. In your travels this week, keep a discerning eye on the road lest you make a deadly soup of your endeavors.

 

Scorpio

Never trust a gossip and certainly take caution when becoming a gossip yourself. There are only so many false walls, secret chambers and hidden books between you and a spearpoint. Figuratively speaking. Probably.

 

Sagittarius

There are those who will tell you that money cannot buy happiness. These people have no money. Spend a few days this week throwing around some coin and see if your mood doesn't improve.

 

Capricorn

A home is a nice thing to have, but it's not strictly necessary. If life is a journey, you're better off sticking to inns, taverns and the occasional pile of straw in a stable. Your lack of comfort will be rewarded with stories and friendship. Or just stories, which is still worth it.