Special Guest Horoscopes: Les Ni-Huang, Professional Gamer

Special Guest Horoscopes: Les Ni-Huang, Professional Gamer

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Lester Ni-Huang is a Korean-born, American-raised computer programming consultant and professional video game player. He has participated in several championship-winning Starcraft teams in his native South Korea, found notoriety in last year's Southern California Mario Party Tournament and currently earns a second income leveling World of Warcraft characters for people who are too busy to level themselves and too insecure to play a low-level character. Les brought his intelligence and ambition to today's horoscopes.

Aquarius

Sleep. Sleep is holding you back. When I was an aspiring gaming pro, I saw my heroes pass me by like speeding meth trucks in the night while I lay in my bed catching useless Z's. If you want to succeed in life, try replacing hours of sleep with energy drinks. And not that namby-pamby stuff you get in a can. I'm talking those energy shots you can only find in truck stops and on the Internet.

 

Pisces

Money has no inherent value. GP sitting in your inventory does nothing, but GP spent on a Diamond Demon-Slayer Sword is an investment in being awesome. Now all you need to do is find out what your personal Diamond Demon Slayer Sword is. And don't say "mini-van". The answer is never "mini-van".

 

Aries

ARRRIEEESSS!!! Sorry. I always wanted to do that. But seriously, I speak from experience when I say that running around with two meat cleavers attached to chains tied to your arms will make people take you more seriously.

 

Taurus

If RPGs have taught me anything, it's that you'll never get better at anything by doing things you already know you're good at. No, you've gotta go for the big, bad monsters if you wanna level up. That's why you should spend the next several months only trying to date supermodels.

 

Gemini

As your sign can attest, two players is better than one... unless the other player is a complete n00b who doesn't have sense enough to reload before the panic event. What I'm saying is choose your friends wisely.

 

Cancer

Water sign. Man, water levels are always the hardest and your whole life is a water level. I guess that just means you shouldn't feel bad when things go wrong for you and you should feel really accomplished when things go well.

 

Leo

When a task looks insurmountable, remember: Just aim for the weak spot. It usually glows, comes out after you've chipped away at strong spots and makes a rewarding noise when you hit it... metaphorically speaking.

 

Virgo

The hero. The princess. The castle. The final boss. The power-up. The secret ending. In life, you are all these things. To be a winner, you need only render the cutscenes to tell the story you want to tell.

 

Libra

I know it feels great to be the best at something, but consider this: When was the last time anyone gave a damn about a high score? Play to be happy, then stop playing when it stops being fun or you run the risk of rage-quitting.

 

Scorpio

I know a fat, middle-aged guy with thick glasses who plays a waifish, 19-year-old female elf. He hates himself but he loves being Ar'ithrya. Do whatever it is you need to do to be whatever it is you want to be and don't let anybody judge you for it.

 

Sagittarius

You can't "win" at Tetris. You can definitely win at Dr. Mario. But which one do people still play? Not everything has to have a point. Experiences can be great in and of themselves.

 

Capricorn

Gamers have to deal with a lot of stereotypes. Me? I'm not an ugly dweeb who lives in his mom's basement and has no social skills. I make $120,000 a year and eat a vegetarian diet with my girlfriend. Your hobbies don't define you. Don't let them and try to make them.