Special Guest Horoscopes: 2012 Presidential Candidates

Special Guest Horoscopes: 2012 Presidential Candidates

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

The 2012 presidential election is starting to heat up with sitting President Barack Obama making his first push to raise funds and garner support, as well as the field of Republican candidates starting to shape up. Since they'll be spending a lot of energy talking about what they're going to do to make life better over the course of four years, we here at Zen Ramblings decided to test their intuition by having them tell you how to improve your life over just the next week.

Aquarius (Rick Perry)

Each generation must learn from the mistakes of the last, lest those mistakes be repeated. Also, each generation must make sure that the last generation's mistakes aren't still ongoing, as they could reflect poorly on the current generation who really didn't have anything to do with that racist term written on a large rock on the family property but I'm paying for it anyway. So, um, don't do the bad stuff your daddy did.

 

Pisces (Jon Huntsman)

A lot of folks have misconceptions about a very popular faith in my home state of Utah, but they haven't really educated themselves about it. If they did, it might not change their minds about it, but perhaps they'd realize that it's the Thetans that are ruining the economy, not the oil industry or subprime loans. Educate yourself this week or you might end up saying something wrong and stupid.

 

Aries (Michele Bachmann)

Eat a raw chicken every day this week. Feel its poison proteins dribbling down your chin and crunch its brittle bones between your teeth. It is the only true path to power. Gaze into my eyes and tremble!

 

Taurus (Gary Johnson)

Some people say I'm too liberal to be a Republican. Some say my pro-choice stance is bad for my chances at the polls. Some people say I'm just a weapon to marginalize Ron Paul. Some people also say I shouldn't fill my socks up with cottage cheese, but I refuse to listen! Do whatever you want this week and damn the naysayers!

 

Gemini (Ron Paul)

Is Gary Johnson with you? That bastard thinks he can steal my libertarian vote? I was the libertarian candidate when he was just a sour-faced talking head on ABC News! Ya know what you should do this week? Take care of your own damn self and for the love of God stop listening to Gary Johnson! Also maybe try to legalize heroin, just a little bit.

 

Cancer (Mitt Romney)

I'm still the only truly viable candidate, right? I mean, we've been experimenting with minorities and women and various sideshow freaks for a while, but if the GOP actually wants a chance at the White House it's gotta be me, doesn't it? Jeez, the party I'm with. You want some advice? Don't hang around with crazy weirdos. It's career poison.

 

Leo (Rick Santorum)

Whatever you do, don't Google my name. I mean, maybe do but only click on, like, the sixth or seventh link in the search results, or maybe the header ad depending on what day it is. I'm so... I'm so exhausted. Nothing I do works. My advice to you, Leo, is to never, under any circumstances, underestimate the gays. They're... they're brutal.

 

Virgo (Buddy Roemer)

Okay, Virgo, here's what you do: You take that money you were gonna spend this month on ice lattes at the Starbucks, you break it into nickels. Then, you stuff those nickels into a long, green tube sock and swing it over your head as fast as you can. Once your nickel sock reaches maximum speed, you bring its full fury down on the nearest turtle and collect the valuable minerals hidden inside. That's how you save the economy!

 

Libra (Herman Cain)

Ya know the problem with horoscopes? They're too damn long. No, I believe that a good American is a hard-working American and an American can't be hard-working if he has to waste precious time reading some long horoscope. That's why I'm in favor of one-sentence horoscopes. Yep, horoscopes that are just one sentence long. Any horoscope that is more than once sentence in length is a waste of your time and you shouldn't read it.

 

Scorpio (Jimmy McMillen)

The cost of the horoscopes is too damn high.

 

Sagittarius (Vern Wuensch)

Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna win. I'm not even gonna place. I got an ugly face, a name nobody knows how to spell or pronounce and I'm crap at raising money. I'm surprised you even asked me to read a horoscope. I guess I'll tell all the Sagittarians to stick to what they're good at and never try anything new, ever.

 

Capricorn (President Barack Obama)

The above collection of weirdos and idiots are why I've had to fight tooth and nail to win health care and jobs for millions of Americans. Think on that, Capricorn, the next time you fill out a ballot.