So You Want to Invade Planet Earth: A Guide

So You Want to Invade Planet Earth: A Guide

Greetings, sapient lifeform. If you have purchased this DVD it means that you are interested in invading that lush, blue planet in the Sol system known as Earth. This is a noble ambition and it can be a great way to get some exercise, but there are many dos and don'ts in the fine art of Earth invasion. You wouldn't be the first creature to attempt it and unless you pay heed to this handy guide, you won't be the last. Before you hop into your Class IV or above attack saucer and head for that famous rock in the void, make sure you commit these tips to memory.

Get a pre-invasion physical

For the most part, Earth is a moist, dirty and unhygienic planet. It's a fool's errand to invade if you're not in sufficiently good shape. Why, did you know that the #1 reason for failed invasions isn't weapon failure, a rag-tag team of underdog Earthling heroes or intervention by a third, Earth-sympathetic species, but common Earth disease? Yes, more invasions of Earth have been toppled because of the common Earth cold than for any other reason. See your doctor, make sure you're up to date on your immunizations and make a habit of bolstering your immune system with a multivitamin.

 

Do not assume an Earthling's intellect is too puny to comprehend your technology

While Earth is currently slow in its development of energy weapons, interstellar flight and a balanced system of taxation, its dominant inhabitants are quick to adapt. After all, there's nothing all that complicated about a Gruxxan plasma rifle or the controls of a Nib starfighter. If you must land your ships on the surface of Earth, make sure to lock the doors and activate the alarm system. Do not imprison any Earthlings in a room that has access to your internal computer system and check the ID's of all personnel wearing power armor. Earthlings are sneaky.

 

Don't underestimate non-human Earth lifeforms

There are millions of distinct species of animal on Earth. Precious few of them are neither disgusting nor dangerous. Reports confirm the presence of a creature that has replaced its hair with needles, an especially long water creature that is made entirely of jelly and poison, countless iterations of a creature that exalts in violence despite its ability to access its own genitals with its tongue and even a creature that is half-rat, half-bird, sucks blood, sees in the dark and moves in swarms. If you plan on enslaving Earth in the post-invasion period, trust nothing with a double-helix gene pattern.

 

Pay close attention to all charts indicating the relative hotness of local peppers

The great invasion of the Berid Lizard Men was aborted after the entire Berid reconnaissance team was incapacitated by a bowl of chili clearly marked 5 Alarm. Thinking themselves more robust than the fleshy, frail humans around them, the Berid spies consumed what amounted to a thick stew of beans, spices and Bhut Jolokia peppers. The underlying lesson is that Earthlings have no regard for their own safety and cannot even be trusted to devise food that is not essentially biohazardous material.

 

Bring a towel

The vast majority of Earth's surface is water. Furthermore, it has unpredictable weather patterns, weapons designed specifically to deliver water to the target and many Earth creatures involuntarily empty their bladders when frightened. Staying dry is crucial to maintaining a comfortable invasion. Though many in the Earth invasion hobbyist community are quick to judge the infamous Sign Species invasion as an utter failure on account of the species in question being deathly allergic to dihydrogen monoxide, modern projections suggest that their casualties would have been reduced by 35% had their foot soldier been carrying towels.

 

Good luck on your invasion attempt, fellow sapient being!