Annual Sugar Mutant Invasion at Zecron Sector Orbital Labs

Annual Sugar Mutant Invasion at Zecron Sector Orbital Labs

***BEGIN TRANSMISSION***

Core Control is sorry to disturb you during your routine hygienic elimination, excess body hair removal and personal sterilization period, Employee Resident #6850-D. It is not our habit to interrupt our Employee Residents during these very important and mandatory activities, but that protocol is superseded by Emergency Directive XT3C: Announcements pertaining to official upcoming disaster events. In but a few cycles' time, a raiding party of genetic anomaloids from the failed boson de-massing experiments of the former Epsilon Sector Orbital Labs will descend upon Zecron Sector in response to their annual sucrose deficiency state. These "sugar mutants", as they have been dubbed by planetary civilians, are highly dangerous and it is the official position of the Federation of Alpha Centauri Satellites and Fusion Stations to interact with them as little as possible. Please follow these behavioral guidelines upon the arrival of the sugar mutants.

 

At first alert, immediately return to your living quarters and activate your Cervelian gourde lantern. Sugar mutants are put at ease by the sight and smell of burning Cervelian gourdes, so it is in the best interest of everyone at Zecron Sector Orbital Labs for all Employee Residents to place a slowly smoldering gourde directly outside their living quarters. In your sugar mutant survival kit, to be provided by Core Control for only a nominal fraction of your salary, you will find a fresh gourde grown by the farmers of the third moon of Cervelia, a small incendiary device and a carving laser. To prepare the gourde, simply remove the stem portion, surgically extract the quivering pulp and insert the incendiary device into the cavity. If your gourde begins to scream, do not be alarmed. It will not survive the process.

 

When sugar mutants knock on the door of your living quarters, promptly open it and give each one a high-density sucrose confection, also included in the survival kit. The mutants will be ravenously hungry and impatient. Do not let their diminutive stature mislead you. Sugar mutants will follow through on their threats to harm you if you fail to grant them confections. To avoid their ire and reduce the likelihood that they will begin to gnaw on your knees, endeavor to compliment them on the frightening qualities of their appearance. For an additional fee, you may purchase a taxonomy program to help you identify the exact varieties of mutants you will no doubt encounter.

 

Should your high-density sucrose confection supply run low, resort to giving the mutants small amounts of currency. Mutant society is not civilized enough to properly use official FACSFS currency, though they are amused by its weight and appearance. Do not advise the sugar mutants on how to spend the currency. This will only anger and confuse them.

 

Do not, under any circumstances, assault a sugar mutant. Due to ongoing litigation in the FACSFS Supreme Court concerning the Epsilon Sector incident, all sugar mutants are considered protected entities and are not to be harmed. The plasma pistol included in your survival kit is meant to end your own suffering should the mutants assault you and your wounds are untreatable. Note that self-annihilation prior to acquiring untreatable wounds is a violation of Employee Resident conduct and may result in the termination of your employment.

 

Thank you for attending to this special announcement, Employee Resident #6850-D. The entire staff of Core Control sincerely hopes that you survive the upcoming mutant invasion.

 

***END TRANSMISSION***