original photo by Rob BensonChapters

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Some self-important son of a bitch from about 2200 years ago stumbled upon one of the secrets of nature and got it in his fool head that he could kill the world. That's the thing about... people. That word makes my teeth go bitter. The thing about people is they think there's anything in and of this planet that can get rid of everything, or even a good part of everything. Hell, I guess when you live in a village with a population of 50 just north of some muddy river it seems possible that the whole world could get destroyed. But it can't. No force short of a moon-sized rock from space has the power to end our existence once and for all. Try telling that to Sonny, though. Bumpkin never did learn how to listen.

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The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Today, we would like to welcome Wyoming's own classic rawhide cattle rancher, Bill Waylin (Cowboy to his friends). Cowboy Bill has been getting little doggies along since 1983, though as he's quick to remind folks, he's been twirling lassos and living on the trail since he was just a toddling poke. Word has it that ol' Cowboy knows a thing or two about the stars, seeing as he's spent so much time gazing up at them on those peaceful nights up in the rolling Wyoming hills with as many head of cattle as he could rightly handle. Here's what he has to say about this week's horoscopes.

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original photo by Karen KnorrChapters

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Normally I wouldn't ask this because it's kinda silly, but try to put yourself in my place. I'd been darting from shelter to shelter for a week straight trying not to get devoured by starving former supermodels and rental trophy wives, only staying alive because I had a blonde-haired beast of legend following me around. I stank like a whole platoon fresh outta some goat farm outside Kabul and when I finally get to where I was going, first thing I see is a swan doing something uncivilized to a potted orchid. A different man, one who hadn't seen the things I've seen, would've checked right out at that moment. But not me. I stepped over the swan and walked through the foyer of the mansion, following the sound of pistol fire.

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towers tickle clouds

streets pump people like blood cells

to our culture's heart

thumbs ache from buttons

mashed all day for the high score

I'll beat tomorrow

oversized gem eyes

and convoluted stories

can be fun sometimes

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

This week we are honored that William T. Haberman (Bill to his associates), the Chief Financial Officer at the Birrus/Cole Corporation, has taken time out of his busy schedule to read the stars for us. We are contractually bound to inform you readers that the Birrus/Cole Corp is a Fortune 500 company on the cutting edge of modern business solutions and an innovator responsible for next-gen paradigms in the think-heavy lifestyle. Also, Mr. Haberman would like to add that in the United States of America everyone is innocent until proven guilty regardless of the allegations leveled against them in a 1500-word investigative piece featured in the Wall Street Journal.

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the bright islands know

all that sugar cane can do

with motivation

fluid ounce of gold

awaiting the kiss of lime

sitting in my glass

bourbon, scotch or rye

is a portable party

any day or night