The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Last week one of the interns at the Zen Ramblings office noticed that we were experiencing a slight goblin infestation in our supply closet. The little pests were wasting our sticky notes, eating our year's supply of Funyuns and occasionally mugging passers by. When all attempts to clear out the goblins ourselves failed, we turned to the Internet for help. One quick Yelp search brought up the savior of our workspace, a freelance barbarian named Yu'Shok. He arrived clad in a leather loincloth, gripping a massive battleaxe stained with various kinds of organic material. After he made short (and messy) work of our little, green inconveniences, we asked him to stick around and read this week's charts.

Aquarius

Hmm. I see the bones of a mighty dragon in your future. You shall overcome a great obstacle in your path. Do not forget to display your glory, lest your rivals think you too modest.

 

Pisces

When the mystic storm of the evil wizard Thuthulin ravaged my village as a child, I swore revenge. Ten years later, I threw Thuthulin's head off the highest mountain. You are primed to take on a daunting task. Stick with it and you will taste victory.

 

Aries

I was once foolish enough to believe that I could drink as much sailor's grog as stout ale. The crew of the Wailing Banshee robbed me in my stupor and I retaliated by setting their ship alight with Greek Fire. The point is, subtle differences are still important. Have some humility.

 

Taurus

As I explained to the sheriff, I interpreted the little girl's cries as a sign of terror, so I slew the beast that vexed her in the tree tops. She may have witnessed the violent death of her kitten that day, but she should not have enlisted the help of a barbarian. Do what you do best and don't stray from your principles.

 

Gemini

Speaking as one who has sewn his own arm back onto his body and had it reanimated by a repentant necromancer, I cannot accept your recent claims that the trials of your social life are "just too difficult".

 

Cancer

Show more warmth to your loved ones this week. It is an awful thing to be encased in ice and unable to embrace those you care about. Believe me, I know.

 

Leo

Sure, I still crush as many skulls as a freelancer as I did with Gruth'Kaynu Incorporated, but I'm crushing them for no one but myself. Drudgery at work is often the result of context, not the task at hand. Go forth and crush those Excel spreadsheets for your own honor!

 

Virgo

You are often overwhelmed by shame. Defeat this foe inside you by donning a loincloth. There is no shame once you stand in the bare minimum of defined clothing.

 

Libra

The first and most important lesson of life in the Possessed Wilds is to fight fire demons with water, water demons with salt, and salt demons with potatoes. In your own life, you should always try to imagine the most logical course of action before entertaining flights of fancy.

 

Scorpio

I pray to the ancient god N'Krusalov and my battle companion on the journey to the Sulfur Dunes worshiped the divine faerie Yithrityl. We got along just fine, as long as we gave each other space. You could benefit from a similar, less judgmental mindset.

 

Sagittarius

When I was captured by the Razor Clan and sold into servitude I kept telling the taskmaster that I was not a slave. He laughed and whipped me. Then one day I led a revolt and slew him with that very same whip. In all things, a positive self-image is important.

 

Capricorn

What's popular isn't always what's best. While most of my contemporaries ride around on horses, I choose to wander the land on a dire armadillo. They laugh, but I laugh back when I realize I'm getting better feed mileage than they can even imagine.