The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

We came across this week's special guest reader while strolling down the street in Bremerton, Washington. A scrappy mutt sat on a flattened cardboard box with a jar in front of him that said "tips". One of the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad asked the dog, "Where's your master, little guy?" to which the mutt responded, "You're looking at him." He refused to speak again until we tipped him. Two dollars and some loose change later, the dog introduced himself as Wags and began regaling us with his life story. The details will have to wait for another day, but we decided that Wags would be able to bring a particularly unique point of view to the horoscopes. A twenty dollar tip provided us with the following gems of wisdom.

Aquarius

In my time I've stuck my nose in a lot of nasty business. Enough to know when it's best just to avoid the stink altogether. In other words, keep your nose clean this week. It won't be worth it to go sniffing around where you don't belong.

 

Pisces

Ya wanna know why my kind has a habit of burying bones? Because old, dead things belong underground where they're out of sight and out of mind. It's time for you to bury a few bones you've been carrying around for a while.

 

Aries

Bite something, and I don't mean metaphorically. There's nothing in the world like that visceral, satisfying experience of sinking your teeth into something that really deserves it. Just 'cuz you walk around on two legs and bathe every day doesn't mean you aren't still a bit of an animal.

 

Taurus

That saying about new tricks, it only applies to dogs. You are obviously a bit more evolved, so leave your old habits at the door and pick up some fresh skills. You've got no excuse not to.

 

Gemini

I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain the butt-sniffing thing. There's nothing I can say that'll make it make sense to a human, only that it's an impulse and it just feels right at the time. You should follow that same line of thinking for some of your new social interactions. Go with your gut, you've got nothing to lose.

 

Cancer

I can do some pretty amazing things that most dogs can't do. But one thing I'll never be able to do is spit. In your own life, you take spitting for granted. Well, I'll tell you, the ability to immediately rid yourself of something you find unpleasant is a vital skill. Use it or lose it.

 

Leo

I'm not a very good liar. When I'm happy my tail wags and when I'm sad it hangs low. Being human means being able to wag at will, even when you're not happy. Don't let this confuse you into thinking you're happy when you're not.

 

Virgo

I'm not stupid enough to think I can actually catch the cars I chase, but that's not why I do it. It's about the rush, the journey and the surprise of ending up somewhere unexpected. Go out and chase some cars of your own.

 

Libra

At first, collars are really uncomfortable and weird. After a while, you just don't feel right without one. Don't be angry about the collar you've got to wear. You might not like the way you feel once it's gone.

 

Scorpio

Don't let them fool you, cats are genuinely evil creatures. They will use you, abuse you and cut your throat the first chance they get. Spay and neuter your cats and then force them to fend for themselves in the streets like the cretins they are.

 

Sagittarius

At this point in your life, it's important that you hear the same piece of advice my father imparted to me when I left home. He took me aside and he said something I'll never forget. He said, "Woof. Row row, ruff, woof. Grrr... ruff." Let that marinate for a while.

 

Capricorn

I once mated with an Irish Wolf Hound. Ya know, one of those huge freaking dogs. It was really difficult just to get into position, let alone convince her I was canine enough to handle her. Well, let's just say there's a litter in the Bronx that has me to thank for its pointy ears. Don't let a task intimidate you just because it's a long shot.