The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

We've known Miss Saffron Lilypad (Saffi to her friends) for several years now. Every two weeks since April 2006 she has delivered a box of fresh produce, flowers and sometimes woodland creatures to our office from her home garden. Saffi is a certified organic professional and granola magically appears wherever she walks. We've been begging her to read the horoscopes for us for a long time now and she has only now decided to indulge us.

Aquarius

This is totally my sign so I'm, like, super-familiar with its vibrations. In fact, it's been vibrating a bit too much lately. We aquarians ought to look into that. Anyone wanna get together to braid some friendship bracelets and look into this vibration thing?

 

Pisces

Ya know what I like about little fishies like you? The way you nip at the little bits of fish food as they drift to the bottom of the bowl. You're so patient and economical. That's why you're gonna get out of this recession bummer without a problem.

 

Aries

I know you really, like, dig ska music, Aries, but the 90's are over. It's time to grow up a bit. Your friends don't want to admit it, but that's why they don't hang out with you much anymore.

 

Taurus

Silly, stubborn taurus. You never like to admit your true feelings. That's okay, though. Some signs are willing to wait by the phone for you to return their calls because they know we're totally perfect for each other, you big, beautiful lug, you.

 

Gemini

I've always wondered, what's it like to have two sides? I mean, I'm pretty much a circle, myself. Just around and around and around I go without any sharp corners and my mom says I have no direction but I'm a small business owner.

 

Cancer

Come out of your shell for once, cancer. Just tell her you love her... or that you want a promotion... or that her music is too loud. I dunno. Things are a bit hazy from where I'm standing.

 

Leo

I can't believe I'm about to say this but you should totally get into a fight. I don't mean that metaphorically. Just haul off and punch a dude. Bad idea on paper, I know, but that's what your chart says. The stars are funny like that.

 

Virgo

Don't ask me how I know but you should steer clear of all leos this week.

 

Libra

I know it seems complicated but it's not that crazy. You just take a fresh batch of peanuts, gently coax the oil from them with words of encouragement and then warm your fair trade skillet in the sun. Lunch doesn't have to be rocket science. Or conventional science.

 

Scorpio

You've been drowning yourself in cocktails every day after work lately. That's really bad for your chi. What, I can't believe in the zodiac and chi at the same time?

 

Sagittarius

Gay, straight, bi, whatever. You don't need labels, man. You've just got a lot of love to give. But in all seriousness, you're probably gay.

 

Capricorn

Are you going to Burning Man? I'm totally going to Burning Man. Do you wanna rideshare with me down to Burning Man? What do you mean Burning Man is over? No way! Not again! Anyway, you wanna go light something on fire and do a bunch of drugs out in the parking lot?