Special Guest Horoscopes: Princess Yomoguchi Starlight

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

When we heard that Princess Yomoguchi Starlight of the extremely popular anime series Super Delicious Mango Exceptional Saga was going to be in the United States, we just couldn't pass up the opportunity to offer her this week's horoscopes. Adorably, Her Highness of Starlight misunderstood our proposition and came to the Zen Ramblings office prepared to battle twelve intergalactic monsters in some sort of tournament. When we explained what her actual task would be, a massive bead of sweat appeared beside her head and she agreed not to kill any of us with lasers... today.

Aquarius

Ohi-o, Aquarius-san! You have a great destiny and you will face a powerful foe this week. Perhaps the vicious Omunugi Demon of the Soju Clan, but more likely a traffic officer.

Pisces

When you are faced with a romantic decision this week, remember to spare the feelings of the five other girls whose hearts you will break. They've been following you around for no good reason for months, so be kind.

Aries

There is no such thing as being too prepared. No matter what your challenge currently is, remember that no proper sword is any less than twice the length of your body.

Taurus

Not all kittens can speak, only those that are worth keeping around. Does your kitten speak? If not, remove it from your life.

Gemini

When life gets you down, just remember the words to my theme song: "Our dreams are like strawberry clouds in the cerulean night. Stir your imagination with the power of your creamy courage."

Cancer

There is no such thing as a problem you can't fix with a robot. Your chart says you'll need about seven robots this week.

Leo

You may face a great challenge soon. Start off on the right foot by striking a bizarre pose prior to the fight.

Virgo

Your life may seem cloudy right now, not that I blame you. Your eyes are minuscule.

Libra

Now is a time of transition for you. Nothing lasts forever, except possibly my TV show. SDMES has been going for 200 episodes and we have a contract for 500 more, plus three movies and a new toy line. What I'm saying is that my life is more stable than yours.

Scorpio

Before you move forward in your life, you should come to understand your origins. Speaking as the daughter of an 18th century swordsman and a mystical entity from beyond the stars, I know it's important to get right with your folks sooner than later.

Sagittarius

Don't let anyone put you in a compromising position just because you're sensitive and people like you. My 10,000 concurrent lawsuits against unscrupulous hentai artists says I know what I'm talking about.

Capricorn

Despite your wanderlust, be grateful you live in America. Whenever I come to Region 1, I stub my toe on subtitles every morning.