Special Guest Horoscopes: Presidential Ghost Force

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

One should never conduct a seance on a whim. It is dangerous and disrespectful to conjure the souls of the departed without a proper understanding of what it might do to the plane of the living. Back in 1979 an individual by the name of Joey Nathanson didn't take his supernatural responsibilities seriously and he ended up evoking the spirits of three dead US Presidents: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. Rather than seek revenge on Joey for his mistake, the executive specters decided to do some good for the world by forming the Presidential Ghost Force, solving mysteries and putting criminals behind bars with their fantastic powers. Here's what they have to say about this week's horoscopes.

Aquarius

Kennedy: I know the moon landing is hard to believe sometimes, but it really did happen. You know this in your gut because you have strong intuition this week. Use it for the best.

Pisces

Washington: Don't underestimate the importance of luxuries to those around you this week. I nearly lost an entire state to a new whiskey tax. People are crazy about their whiskey.

Aries

Lincoln: I can't say this enough-- Always sit with your back to a wall. People may call you paranoid, but you'll know better.

Taurus

Washington: It's not always good to be color blind. Who knows, this week a bunch of jerks wearing red might try to invade your house.

Gemini

Kennedy: There's nothing wrong with keeping a few secrets. This week, consider building a complex network of hidden rooms throughout your home.

Cancer

Kennedy: I have it on good authority that blondes do indeed have more fun. If you're not blonde, get yourself some peroxide, STAT.

Leo

Lincoln: You're a practical person. Make sure your fashion sense reflects that. For example, you'd be surprised how many cured sausages you can fit under an obscenely large hat.

Virgo

Washington: Don't be hasty to fix a problem if you lack the proper materials. You'll likely end up with splinters in your tongue.

Libra

Kennedy: The stars say you're going to be really cool this week. My two cents? Rent a convertible, to hell with the consequences. You won't regret it.

Scorpio

Lincoln: Your planets highlight your love of the city. Trust me, the whole cabin in the woods thing is overrated. Get a nice condo in a high rise instead.

Sagittarius

Washington: You have a friendly spirit, even among those who annoy you. Perhaps you can use that extra tact this week to talk some sense into the ghost of John Adams.

Capricorn

Kennedy: Don't let today's financial crisis get you down. As I wrote in my secret diary several years before it was stolen from my familial estate, mo' money, mo' problems.