The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

We caught Norman Grivvel trying to walk out of the Zen Ramblings office with a dozen jelly doughnuts and a laptop computer that definitely weren't his. He had gained entry to the building using an ID card stolen from one of our shipping and receiving people then posed as a health inspector when he got to the break room (the site of the doughnut theft). If it weren't for the tattle-tale ghost who lives in our walls we might have never apprehended Norman. Rather than press charges, we compelled Mr. Grivvel to read this week's horoscopes and to try to be a more honest person in the future.

Aquarius

Ahem. Right. Aquarius. Nice to meet you, Aquarius. Has anyone ever told you how gorgeous your eyes are? Well, they're gorgeous. And while you were soaking up that flattery I liberated your wallet from your possession. Be careful of the attentions of strangers, you big softy.

 

Pisces

I once got my hands on a 1967 Aston Martin DB6 just by convincing the rube who owned it that the front-wheel drivetrain was shot (the DB6 was rear-wheel only). He went to check it out but spent so much time looking for that system that exist that he didn't notice me hotwiring the thing. Never underestimate incompetence and never be incompetent.

 

Aries

I've won every fight I've ever been in and I've never thrown a punch. Guys never expect you to open with a foghorn and a kick to the groin. Be smart. It's better than being strong.

 

Taurus

I didn't steal that Monet back in '92, but if I did I wouldn't have left my hair on the floor like an idiot. Or let my partner give me a pre-heist haircut. Lesson: Know your friends.

 

Gemini

Dress better than you usually do this week. With a good enough suit they'll just let you walk right into the bank vault... I've heard.

 

Cancer

One-night stands might seem like fun, but with your sensitive disposition you're more likely to wake up with a broken heart and missing jewelry than a good story.

 

Leo

You don't have much respect for formal titles, which is why you'll never know the joys of raiding the buffet at a business conference free of harassment just because you added "CEO" to your name tag.

 

Virgo

I haven't paid for a candy bar since I was 10. My secret? I only lift from stores with bored-looking employees. It's easy to coast on the apathy of others, especially if you're not apathetic yourself.

 

Libra

If you've ever had the feeling you were being watched, you were. The rub is that you were the one watching yourself. Doubt is no way to go through life.

 

Scorpio

I'm straight but if I never pretended to be gay I'd be half as wealthy as I am right now. Keep an open mind in whatever it is you do.

 

Sagittarius

Start your day with a balanced breakfast... What? Not everything I do is a con. Sometimes I just feel like being sensible.

 

Capricorn

It's true I'm spending my life accruing wealth but I have no plans to die with a single cent to my name. Have some fun. None of it comes with you when you die. Although, in case some of it does I'm going to hide a small fortune in secret compartments throughout my coffin.