The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

When we received a call at the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad office from Bert Nieman, a powerful Hollywood agent, we didn't know quite what to make of it. He told us that his top-earning client, movie superstar Johnny Sobriesque, was in the middle of doing research for his next role as a wise-cracking psychic named Bobby Bizarro in a film of the same name. Mr. Sobriesque decided it would be good practice to learn various kinds of divination methods, including tarot, palm reading and, of course, the art of the horoscope. We decided to give Johnny a shot in exchange for free tickets to the Bobby Bizarro premiere, slated for Summer 2012.

Aquarius

You should really humble yourself this week because your ego is getting out of control. Sort of like when I just got off the massive success of my first movie, Deep End of the Gene Pool. $320 million. No biggie. Oscar for visual effects. A couple SAG awards. Ya know, the usual.

 

Pisces

When I was cast to play a poetry-writing prisoner of the Bastille in the smash indie hit Le Scraps de Jacques I totally had to go on a cauliflower diet. I lost tons of weight. Definitely give that a try if you're feeling, like, chunky.

 

Aries

Don't get your hopes up about fame. I'm not gonna lie, it's totally everything you've ever dreamed and more, but you probably won't ever be famous, so just try to enjoy being boring.

 

Taurus

The next time you find yourself sandwiched between two supermodels having no idea how you got there, just do what I do- Go with the flow. There's a 60% chance the situation is a positive one.

 

Gemini

Your chart says you're feeling a little down on yourself lately. Go look into the mirror, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What about me needs plastic surgery?"

 

Cancer

You've either had a birthday recently or you're going to have one soon. Just remember, it takes an entire special effects department to make you look old but just ten minutes with some college dropout and his makeup kit to look younger.

 

Leo

I'm not going to say that drugs made me into a better actor and all-around more interesting person, I'm just saying a person like you could use a little "chemically aided" personality.

 

Virgo

In this time of financial strain in your life, it's important to remember that the phrase "I'll be in my trailer" is only cool if you don't, like, live in the trailer.

 

Libra

You need new love in your life, so just watch a bunch of movies. Everything I know about love I learned from film and I have four ex-wives. With luck you, too, can make that many people fall madly in love with you forever and ever.

 

Scorpio

When I got to do my hand prints on the Walk of Fame I totally got cement on my suit that completely ruined it. Let that be a lesson that not everything is as cool as it seems from the outside.

 

Sagittarius

Be bold this week. When life, or PETA, or the Los Angeles police department, or your mother tells you that you can't have a pet monkey, just go ahead and get that pet monkey. Sure, it's expensive but you'll never have to get the mail for yourself again.

 

Capricorn

You are the boss of your own world. So next time you feel like slapping a waiter because your soup is too hot, or too cold, or the wrong color, just go ahead and do it. Lawyers fix everything.