The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective. This week, we asked "Duffel Bag Dave", a citizen of the world but most recently of a bush not far from Safeco Field, to grant us his insight into what the paths of the zodiac have to offer this week.

Aquarius

Ya'll are gonna have a bad week. Sorry, z'just the way it's gotta be. Don't make no big decisions, don't try to romance no broad or nuthin'. 'Fact, you should prolly just lay low 'til next week, like real low. Don't leave your house if you got one. Me, I ain't got that problem.

Pisces

Every Wednesday me and this guy Darryl go fishin' off the pier. Darryl's a great guy, smart as shit, too. He made up these fishin' sticks outta some rebar and dental floss. Frickin' MacGuyver, that guy. Anyway, since you's a fish or somethin', don't get your fool ass caught by some crafty dude like Darryl. Just cuz somethin' look like trash don't mean it won't leave you floppin' on the boardwalk, gasping for a last breath you won't never get.

Aries

Leave the bitch. Don't think about. Don't let her talk you out of it. Just walk out the door. Women ain't nuthin' but trouble. Believe me, I know.

Taurus

The stars say you gonna eat a burger. Eat that burger. With ketchup.

Gemini

You don't trust no one but that's cuz you ain't the guy to trust and you doin' that projection shit. Quit it.

Cancer

Ain't nothin' I can do for you, man. Do I look like a doctor to you? Hell, I ain't got enough sense to come in out the rain, even when I got a place to come in to.

Leo

If you got a daddy, hug the sumnabitch. Some of us got no daddy to hug. I don't care if he told you you couldn't go to some concert when you was 13. Man deserves a hug.

Virgo

The mission on First opens its doors at 7:00 on Wednesdays. You gonna need that info. Trust me.

Libra

The stars say some planet or somethin' is risin' on your ass. It means get married. Personally, I think marriage is for suckers, but the stars got other ideas.

Scorpio

Don't worry none about money and possessions and stuff. I don't, and look how good that worked out for me.

Sagittarius

Learn them computers. You gonna have a head like a steel trap come this week, so get to learnin'. I mean, it don't have to be computers, but if it was me I'd learn computers.

Capricorn

People respect you for your giving nature. Speakin' of which, I don't suppose you'd like to help out a man who's down on his luck? It's just, ya know, destiny and shit.