The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

This week, the myriad wonders of astrology will be conveyed to us with the help of Gunther Bloodsabbath, the lead singer of platinum-selling death metal band Shrieking Cadaver. Mr. Bloodsabbath took time out of his busy touring schedule to impart his wisdom unto us children of the stars.

Aquarius

As the terrifying blackness of oblivion encroaches upon your day, do not attempt to combat the nightmares that await you. Save your energy for the daily struggle to escape the confines of your bed on another pointless morning.

 

Pisces

Embrace your hate, for it is the only thing that makes you strong. Face all of your problems at work with unrelenting wrath and frighteningly fast violence.

 

Aries

You are the god of war. Do as your star sign encourages you to do. When the infinite future-heartbreak of a new love comes into your life this week, meet it on the battlefield with the glowing ax of your romantic ambitions. Decapitate your fears and feast on the blood of your trepidation. Just remember to pour out an offering of devotion to the Furies on the coffee date that will arise from your fearlessness.

 

Taurus

As we enter the period of your birth, take some time to contemplate how quickly you approach the icy hand of the grave. As you sit at your party, eating your cake, do not forget that you are destined to leave this world gasping, ugly and alone.

 

Gemini

You are experiencing an intrusion upon your territory. Perhaps someone is stealing cookies out of your sack lunch at the office, or maybe your roommate borrowed your shirt without asking. This injustice cannot stand, but you are a feeble wretch who cannot fight hand-to-hand. Poison is your only option for revenge.

 

Cancer

The lack of success in your life has been the result of your decision to eat weak things. Plants have no means of self-defense while cows, chickens and fish from farms are docile and unwilling to fight for even the smallest scrap of land or dignity. Alter your diet this week to include only those products stolen from the bodies of wild beasts you have slain with your own two hands.

 

Leo

I hate you. Your very existence fills me with visceral revulsion. Die. Die. Die.

 

Virgo

You are like the stars themselves. This week, you will explode and in the ensuing chaos a new fire will begin to burn. This makes no difference, though, as like the stars you will expend your energy into a pointless void.

 

Libra

The stars want you to know that you will fail at whatever creative endeavor you pursue this week, especially if it's starting a death metal band that hopes to compete with the unstoppable brutality of Shrieking Cadaver.

 

Scorpio

Your soul bears a massive stinger on its tail. Use it to pierce the sickening guts of your enemies and stand victorious over their twitching corpses.

 

Sagittarius

Now is the right time to adopt a kitten and give it all the love and attention you have been nurturing inside of you for so long.

 

Capricorn

Now is the right time to seek out a recently adopted kitten and drive it to commit suicide.