The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

We met retired US Army General Butch Reamer bright and early at 8:00 AM... ahem, that is, oh-eight-hundred, so he could read this week's charts. He expressed an interest in the art of the horoscope not because he considers himself a believer in the ways of the stars but because he is willing to explore the possibilities inherent to any new information that might provide a tactical advantage in life. This is what the General had to say about the battle plan of the planets.

Aquarius

There's nothing in the world like the look of true fear in your enemy's eyes. It tells you that you've done something right. When you do whatever it is you do this week, don't look for approval. Look for fear.

 

Pisces

A lot of folks think there's some kind of rivalry between the different branches of the military. That's absurd. The army, the navy, the air force, we all get along just fine. Don't let unnecessary competition get in the way of success. Unless, of course, that competition comes in the form of some jarhead marine.

 

Aries

Ah, a sign after my own heart. If you don't love the thrill of battle, you better learn to. It's gonna be a hairy proposition taking that hill you call Wednesday.

 

Taurus

A soldier is only as good as the equipment he carries. Make sure to keep your clothes, your accessories and yourself in peak condition should you need to make special use of any of them.

 

Gemini

Everyone dreams of being the lone hero but the truth is that the only difference between a foxhole and a fresh grave is the guy beside you. Trust in your friends and they'll trust in you.

 

Cancer

You've been saddled with an unfortunate name. I know what that's like. I spent two grueling years as Major Reamer. So, yeah, things could be worse for you.

 

Leo

You've got it in your head to start losing weight this week. Good. Go to your nearest army surplus store and pick up a month's supply of K Rations. That'll do ya.

 

Virgo

Your laziness has resulted in a veritable mountain of dirty dishes. There's only one solution: Pincer Attack.

 

Libra

You see all these pins and medals? I got them through sweat, blood and grit. Except this red one right here. I got that at bingo night back in '89. But I make it work for me, so I'll hear no complaining from you about your limited fashion options.

 

Scorpio

Speaking as a man who has personally composed over 1500 rhyming marching chants, I don't believe you when you say there's such a thing as writer's block. Suck it up, hippie.

 

Sagittarius

I've never slept better than I did on a pile of rubble in Kosovo. Maybe you ought to give up some of your creature comforts to achieve true happiness.

 

Capricorn

Before you ask, no, I've never killed a man. Every body I dropped was dead the minute he put on boots and marched toward me. Don't feel remorse for your enemies. They don't feel it for you.