The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

For reasons which would become obvious to us after seeing him, Mr. Elliot von Kirschenwald insisted on meeting with the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad in the dead of night. He arrived at our office at exactly midnight in an old but mint-condition Rolls Royce, wearing a nicely tailored, three-piece suit. He gazed at our necks throughout our introductions and declined our offers for refreshment. Though we're usually wary of allowing the undead into our workplace, we were intrigued at the insights an immortal creature of the night might bring to this week's horoscopes, so we allowed Mr. von Kirschenwald to read the charts.

Aquarius

Fear not death, oh water-bringer. It is but the natural course of things. If you must fear anything, fear the man who cooks your food. His wrath is swift and blossoms easily.

 

Pisces

Ah, the fish. An older creature than even I. Do as your sign does in the ocean. Never stop moving, exploring new territory, lest you perish.

 

Aries

In my time I have seen much violence, war god. Much of it I, myself, committed. It solves nothing but the problem of peace. Unless you seek disquiet, embrace your gentle side this week.

 

Taurus

The bull charges at the slightest provocation. When he does, it is either him or his target who dies and rarely ever does a stalemate occur. Be sure of your decisions before you act on them.

 

Gemini

To be of two minds is both a blessing and a curse. Let one be the wiser and the other the kinder. As for which to follow, do not hesitate to consult with your friends.

 

Cancer

What I would do to have your shell, my crab friend. Especially on sunny days. That in mind, make room in your shelter for another who is in need this week.

 

Leo

I do not often speak of my age, but I cannot resist mentioning my memories of wicked men thrown to lions like yourself in the late nights of that most grand empire. Do an old soul some good and devour wickedness in these modern nights.

 

Virgo

The myth is that virgin blood is the sweetest. Trust me when I say that experience gives character to life. Do something new soon and then perhaps you and I can... converse further.

 

Libra

Your concerns are weights and measures, yes? Admirable and necessary, though a liability among friends. Next time the tab comes at the bar, do not split it. Everyone will like you better.

 

Scorpio

Too much of your poison can kill, but the right amount simply immobilizes. Remember that the next time your lover misbehaves.

 

Sagittarius

I share much in common with you, mighty hunter. I, too, know the thrill of the chase. But don't linger there too long or your prey will escape you.

 

Capricorn

The ram. A stubborn creature coveted more for its horns and blood than its friendship. Is this the reputation you desire? If not, give some leeway.