The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

There's really only one way to introduce today's guest. As the saying goes, everyone meets him eventually. Whether it's by the natural course of things, accident or intention, well... everyone's gotta go some time. When he walked into the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad office it was to claim the soul of our beloved pet parrot Reginald. He was dressed in a pair of khaki pants and a form-fitting, short sleeve t-shirt with a faded print of a surf shop in Pismo Beach. "Don't mind me," he said, "Just getting a little work done before lunch." Though saddened by the loss of Reginald, we implored our visitor to spend his lunch break giving us his take on the week's horoscopes. A surprisingly gracious fellow, Death obliged.

Aquarius

Heart disease. Yeah, big surprise. You and about 600,000 other people in the same year in the US alone. That doesn't mean you should skip on the chili fries, though. Enjoy life, that's what I always say.

 

Pisces

Car accident. That in mind, you should probably be more attentive than usual this week. Not that it'll make a difference. Couldn't hurt, though.

 

Aries

Donkey flu. Nobody's heard of it... yet. Anyway, some weeks are for talking about the things you've always wanted to do and some weeks are for actually doing those things. This is one of the latter. Um, don't freak out about it. It's not, like, that urgent.

 

Taurus

Crushed in a mosh pit. Even though I just dropped that news on you, the stars still say you should expand your musical tastes. Funny, right?

 

Gemini

Wow. While having sex. Ya know, doesn't happen as often as you'd think. It's more likely for you, though, you beast. You should probably get cracking on that love life of yours, then.

 

Cancer

I know you're probably wondering, what with the name... nope. My docket says stroke. Oh, and the chart says you should take up a physically active hobby. Totally unrelated.

 

Leo

Wild animal attack. The planets are aligned this week to fuel your sense of creativity. My two cents: Channel it into cooking, preferably meat. If it's war the critters want, I say give it to them.

 

Virgo

A fall at home. Speaking of being a little too comfortable with something familiar, your significant other may be compelled to cheat on you this week. Double up on the cuddles, champ.

 

Libra

Some sort of natural disaster. Can't say what kind specifically. Not my department, you understand. Don't let that impact your faith, though. This week is a good week to seek higher guidance. No need to put all the pressure on yourself.

 

Scorpio

Stung by a scorpion... ha! Just kidding. That almost never happens. But seriously, lung cancer. I'd say that's a good reason to quit smoking, or maybe to start, but the stars just tell me you're primed for financial success. Whatever.

 

Sagittarius

Freak cell phone explosion. Yours, someone else's, doesn't really matter. Fittingly, you should spend this week opening up old lines of communication you've long closed.

 

Capricorn

According to my records, you're never going to die. Don't worry, that's totally a clerical error. Computers, am I right? Anyway, use your unusually high resolve this week to break yourself of a bad habit. Personally, I'm going to try to stop picking my teeth, at least in public.