Special Guest Horoscopes: David Bowie's Personae

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Perhaps it was some sort of bizarre disturbance in the fabric of reality or maybe the rock history books need to be updated. The only thing we know for sure is that we in the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad were driving along in our company van when we were t-boned by an electric blue convertible being driven by none other than three of the personae adopted by chameleonic pop singer David Bowie. Ziggy Stardust, The Thin White Duke and Jareth the Goblin King were so contrite about the accident that they insisted on helping us read this week's horoscopes. Here's what they had to say, or in some cases sing.

Aquarius

Ziggy: Yeah, like, I guess I was pretty off the mark when I said we only had five years until the end of the world back in 1972. That's why you should probably take it with a grain of salt when I say your chart suggests you're gonna die next month.

Pisces

Jareth: You remind me of the babe... the babe with the power... the power to ask for a raise at work.

Aries

Duke: Things are gonna get pre-tty groovy for you this week, darling. Lots of attention from the girls, or the boys, or whatever you're into. It's all cool with me.

Taurus

Ziggy: You're gonna have a real wild night under the next full moon and I don't mean as no werewolf. Watch your back and wear lipstick.

Gemini

Duke: Believe me when I say there's no such thing as a problem that can solved with a packet of white powder. Well, unless your problem is bitter coffee.

Cancer

Jareth: It's time to simplify your home life, baby. Take it from a guy with an Escher staircase in his house, streamlining is a good thing.

Leo

Ziggy: Your lucky numbers this week are 12, 23 and 1,000,000,001 cuz that's way far out.

Virgo

Duke: Don't travel alone this week. For example, Berlin can be a pretty freaky place if Brian Eno isn't helming the ship.

Libra

Duke: Come to think of it, no one should go anywhere without Brian Eno. That cat makes everything sound better.

Scorpio

Jareth: Go ahead, put on those extra-tight pants this week. It'll be worth it.

Sagittarius

Duke: I'm a man who's set in his ways but you shouldn't be. Take your cues from Bowie. That guy really knows how to ch-ch-ch... sigh, I said I wasn't going to do that. Again.

Capricorn

Ziggy: Ziggy reeeaaaddddd... HORO-SCOPES!!!!!