The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

One sunny day while walking along the beach en mass, as we in the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad are wont to do, we struck up a conversation with a local surfing legend named Dave Burbank, Chill Dave to his friends. We soon discovered that Chill Dave earned his nickname by being the most laid-back person to ever live. Dave takes everything in stride, from the smallest annoyance to the biggest disaster. That's why we were so interested in hearing his take on the week's horoscopes. Sometimes it's nice just to have a relaxed point of view on fate.

Aquarius

Life's got some pretty gnarly waves and they can look scary if you get to thinking about how big they are. But when a wall of tide comes your way, you just gotta lean into it, keep your balance and let it carry you to the shore. Stay cool and you won't wipe out. Probably.

 

Pisces

Whether you know it or not, you're always sitting in a circle with your friends. When one of them hands you that mellow haze of compassion and understanding, don't forget to pass it on to the left.

 

Aries

Sunscreen is important, but there's no reason to squirt it on yourself when someone's willing to lend a helping hand. I guess your problems are like the sun or something.

 

Taurus

One summer, I think it was '98, I learned that if you eat too much pineapple your mouth'll get all sore but coconut milk is really soothing. Be like a pina colada; mix the harsh with the mellow and you'll never hurt.

 

Gemini

The stars say there's a 25% chance you're gonna die this week, but that ain't no thing. You got 75% on the lock-down.

 

Cancer

I never asked for that threesome down in Daytona that one time but I rolled with it all the same. It's a good idea to just let the good stuff come your way without asking too many questions.

 

Leo

Your chart says you're all worried about something this week. Like, just stop worrying and you won't be worried anymore.

 

Virgo

You're gonna have some professional stress this week. You should probably just quit. It always worked for me.

 

Libra

You've got a lot of good stuff in your life right now, so maybe double your pleasure by combining two of those things. For example, I totally dig brownies...

 

Scorpio

It's time for you to look for love, but dating's a drag. Do what I do, just start kissing strangers until one likes it.

 

Sagittarius

Sunscreen is important, but... wait, I already said this one. No biggie. It probably applies to you, too.

 

Capricorn

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life. Pay some dude to hang twelve fishing poles off the pier and you'll totally get some laughs watching him try to hold onto them all.