The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

Though this column is dedicated to allowing those who don't usually interpret the stars to enlighten us with their non-traditional take on the weekly charts, we don't want to be mistaken for folks who let someone write the horoscopes willy-nilly. It takes a fair amount of experience to interpret the ebb and flow of countless fates. In that regard, perhaps no one in the world is more qualified to read the stars than Captain Adventure, star of over a dozen video games since the mid 1980's. It is estimated that the good Captain has accrued some 180 million experience points in the past twenty five years. Here's what he has to say about the daily trials of all the non-super heroes out there.

Aquarius

Yeah, it looks like it's gonna be a good week for you. Not as good as that time back in '87 when I found the secret room in the Dungeon of Zilmuir the Terrible. It was behind the suit of armor in the third level. I got so much loot for that one. Sure, the coins were just eight individual pixels, which isn't worth much these days, but back then it was a small fortune.

 

Pisces

Look, I've had to make some pretty difficult jumps just to get the right power-ups, but no matter how many times I died in a lava pool or a bottomless pit or a horde of angry natives, it was totally worth it. Don't skip on self-actualization just because the process is painful.

 

Aries

You're going to have difficulty with your boss this week. Speaking as a guy who knows a thing or two about bosses, I'd encourage you to resist using the cheat codes just to get past him. Sure, you win, but at what cost to your dignity?

 

Taurus

Try not to get too jazzed about the princess who you feel like you've got to save. No matter what you go through to rescue them, damsels in distress never stick around for the next alien invasion. If you get a reputation for helping them, you'll be stuck with it forever. Trust me, I would know.

 

Gemini

Gemini? That's the twins, right? Boy, have I got some stories about twins, and I'm not talking about that two-headed aardvark monster I fought in Captain Adventure in Argentina... oh, and you're going to get a promotion or something this week.

 

Cancer

At first I was hesitant to let them put me in 3D back in '99, but it grew on me. Don't be afraid to take on some extra dimensions yourself this week.

 

Leo

You may spend a lot of time trying to score points with your work associates, but everybody knows that points haven't mattered ever since we stopped making arcade games. Just as long as you win, nothing else makes a difference.

 

Virgo

A hobby is not a personality. I learned that lesson when they only gave me the magic laser orb for one level in Captain Adventure in The Maze of Rogoth. Form some real opinions and tastes, not just weekend leisure activities.

 

Libra

It's time for you to make a change in your geographic life. Maybe you need to rearrange the furniture or leave the country. If you stay where you're currently standing, that meteor is just going to crash into your space ship, figuratively speaking.

 

Scorpio

Everyone loves that new rocket-powered hovercraft smell, but nobody ever does their best to keep the vehicle itself pristine. Maybe it's time you invested more of your life in keeping the nitro tanks full and the machine gun in mint condition.

 

Sagittarius

Let go of your hate for your worst nemesis this week. When I decided to capture Lavasaurus Rex in Volcano Dash instead of kill him, it turned out really well for me because he became my ally in Attack of the Ice Mutants.

 

Capricorn

Time machines are nothing but trouble. I messed with one in Dr. Insane-O's lab back in '91 and now my left foot is three years older than the rest of my body. You can't change the past and when you try it just leaves you worse off than you were at the outset.