The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

This week we are honored that William T. Haberman (Bill to his associates), the Chief Financial Officer at the Birrus/Cole Corporation, has taken time out of his busy schedule to read the stars for us. We are contractually bound to inform you readers that the Birrus/Cole Corp is a Fortune 500 company on the cutting edge of modern business solutions and an innovator responsible for next-gen paradigms in the think-heavy lifestyle. Also, Mr. Haberman would like to add that in the United States of America everyone is innocent until proven guilty regardless of the allegations leveled against them in a 1500-word investigative piece featured in the Wall Street Journal.

Aquarius

Don't be afraid to take a little extra time to do things right. You're better off just crossing the street than you are risking the pristine condition of your new loafers by stepping over a bum who has lost consciousness on the sidewalk.

 

Pisces

Use your forward-thinking mindset to justify the purchase of a superior paper shredder. Trust me, you never know when you're going to need a machine that can handle the staples in a thousand-page contract without batting an eye.

 

Aries

Now is the time to make big decisions about the future. For example, steer clear of honey futures. The "buzz" around town says the world might soon be short one species of aphid.

 

Taurus

Love is going to be your strong suit in the coming week, which is why you're going to be absolutely useless to your employer. Do them a favor and take a vacation.

 

Gemini

The stench of your expensive cigars creates both envy and contempt in those around you. Well done.

 

Cancer

Don't be afraid to seek help in your endeavors this week. If you'd like, I can give you the number of a discreet "immigration" expert should your condo grow too messy.

 

Leo

You may not think that a $120 bottle of scotch is worth it given your conservative nature this week, and you would be right. The 120's are worthless. You have to go to the $200 bottles before anything interesting happens.

 

Virgo

Fire someone this week. If you don't have the power to do so, get someone in a service position fired.

 

Libra

Don't tell anyone I told you, but Roger is getting the ax on Friday. It'd be best just to avoid him until the unpleasantness is over.

 

Scorpio

Just because you are a ruthless success machine doesn't mean there's anything wrong with paying a young entrepreneur to gag you with your own underwear and call you a worm. Be proud of what you are.

 

Sagittarius

The members of the press are all evil basta4rds. Every last one of them. This week, especially in the business section of the Wednesday issue of the Times, don't believe a single word you read.

 

Capricorn

Ah, yes. I'll start with the beef carpaccio followed by the lobster bisque, and for my main dish... oh, you're not the wait staff? Well, perhaps you ought to start dressing yourself like a respectable adult instead of taking whatever was on sale in the "Formal" department at Target.