Chapters
Normally I wouldn't ask this because it's kinda silly, but try to put yourself in my place. I'd been darting from shelter to shelter for a week straight trying not to get devoured by starving former supermodels and rental trophy wives, only staying alive because I had a blonde-haired beast of legend following me around. I stank like a whole platoon fresh outta some goat farm outside Kabul and when I finally get to where I was going, first thing I see is a swan doing something uncivilized to a potted orchid. A different man, one who hadn't seen the things I've seen, would've checked right out at that moment. But not me. I stepped over the swan and walked through the foyer of the mansion, following the sound of pistol fire.
Sure enough, there was Link using a gallery of ancient pottery as his own personal shooting range. Except I've never been to a range that lets you send a few down while sitting in a La-Z-Boy. I didn't have to get close enough to see the bottle of Johnny Blue sitting on the floor to know Link was drunk out of his gourd. I could smell it coming down the hall. Nothing in the world like gun powder, scotch and sweat all mixed up together. The pet stayed close to me and started sorta growling when it saw Link peeking over those blue leather pants of his.
"Well bend me over and call me catcher..." Link said as he put his revolver in the air, "Looks like you owe some fool in heaven a beer, bumpkin."
I was about a state's length away from any interest in small talk. "What the hell did you do, Link?"
"Aw, now hold on, Sonny. You ain't exactly in a place to start making demands," he said, pointing the gun at my, whattaya call it?.. center mass. I was a bit too tired to be as scared as I should've been, or maybe some part of me knew what was gonna happen. Link squeezed the trigger, the chamber turned, and when the hammer came down all I got was a click with a heavy echo. Link was always a prick like that.
"Shit, Sonny. You didn't think I was really gonna shoot you, did ya?"
"Wouldn't be the first time."
He laughed, coughed a little bit. "Hope you didn't come all this way through hell just to put one in my leg, bumpkin. Whoever shot you down in Kentucky's probably deader than usual," and he pointed the gun at the pet, "My bet says our associate had something to do with that."
The pet side-stepped a distance away, keeping its eyes on Link the whole time.
"I don't give a damn about revenge, Link. I just wanna know what you brought on this world."
"Ah-ah. What we brought on this world."
And that's how the conversation really got started. To tell the truth, I didn't understand half of it. A bunch of stuff about lunar cycles, phosphorus levels in the soil and elevating energy signatures at the key geographic nodes. That shit didn't concern me. But my ears perked up when he got to talking about forbidden mating rituals and the end of the age of man.
"Weren't no mating ritual, Link," I said, a sour taste in my mouth. He just stared at me for a bit, then he started laughing his fool ass off.
"You... you... bumpkin got it in his sleep!" he shouted, but ya know, between laughs. "When I started to see the signs come around early, I just figured you'd lost your sense and started diddling a few wild ones on the sly. But they did this themselves!"
I had to sit down. I couldn't believe it, not just because it was a terrible thought but because I didn't think it was possible. What kind of man tries to go one-on-one horizontal with a naked stoic lesbian? He'd have to be out of his mind. That, or just not paying attention.
"What I can't figure out, lover boy, is why they did it. I figured I'd have to force it on one of them."
The real shame of it all is that I got to do something wild like puking in a priceless vase, but it didn't matter 'cuz it was the end of the world.
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