Because the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad's astrolabe is on the fritz, we've decided to allow the individual slated to be this week's guest horoscope reader to lavish our readers with some practical advice in her area of expertise. Worry not, we'll be back to presenting a weekly analysis of the stars in eight days' time. For now, we're handing over the floor to one of America's leading zombie survival experts, Ms. Vivica Browning of the Smith-Binder Walking Dead Response Corporation.

Thanks, Squad. While I'm a bit disappointed that I won't be able to interpret the signs for ya'll today, I'm more than happy to enlighten your readers with some of the most important survival tips for those experiencing a zombie outbreak. My employers and I have to compete with misconceptions about the undead every single day. I'm sad to say that a lot of innocent people have fallen victim to bad intel when it comes to zombies. All the movies and video games and such have been making our jobs a lot harder lately. It'll pass, though. My supervisor, Gary, tells me stories about what it was like working in the field in the 80's during the last movie craze. I'll spare ya'll, but I will say that it was an ugly, ugly time.

The first thing you need to know about zombies is that they come in several varieties. You've got your standard European Shuffler, common as deer. They came over to the States with the pilgrims and made a mess of Roanoke. We've never been able to quite stamp 'em out. They're slow, they moan a lot and like most Europeans they're really picky eaters. That's where the whole "brains" thing comes from. Fun fact, this variety automatically starts speaking French when they're infected. I'll tell ya, it's a lot less chilling to hear a horde of the undead groaning, "Cerveux! Cerveux!" That's not to say you shouldn't be careful, though. Just one bite'll give ya the bug. That in mind, if any of your fellow survivors starts speaking with a funny accent or refusing American coffee, isolate them immediately.

The other most common type of zombie in America is the Voodoo Reanimated variety. Now, these are zombies made from regular folks who are already dead. They don't spread the curse with bites but they take a lot of work to put down. Those Shufflers fall to one bullet in the brainpan but a VR won't stop coming at you unless you make it physically impossible for it to move. I'm talking destroyed head, severed legs and arms, burned to ashes. A real pain in the ass. If you've got the Voodoo on you, don't try to make a stand. Just run.

Now, let's talk weaponry. Sometimes you've gotta fight while you wait for Smith-Binder to show up and finish the job, so make sure you've got the right equipment. Stay away from the stereotypical stuff. Chainsaws are stupid because you're more likely to hurt yourself or another survivor than you are to take down a zombie in a timely fashion. If you must melee, stick with something blunt and durable. Baseball bats work well in a pinch. Also forget about shotguns. They're slow to reload, unwieldy and suck at range. You ain't hunting quail, you're fighting the walking dead. Use a firearm that's got some kick and can reliably hit a target from at least 30 yards. And explosives? Unless you're an expert pyrotechnician, skip 'em. You're no good fighting zombies if you've blown your hand off.

Ultimately, your most valuable weapon is your brain. Zombies are stupid. Really stupid. Ya know how stupid your pet cat is? Well, zombies make Mittens look like a freakin' rocket scientist. And the scarier a zombie gets, the stupider it gets. That's decomposition for ya. You can confuse the undead by running in circles and making loud noises. I once saw a mall full of survivors save themselves by going to the second floor and turning all the escalators to "down". Don't be a hero. Don't be gung-ho. Don't panic. Just think like a living human and you'll get out alive.