May 2010

someone once proclaimed

"I will fry bread and glaze it"

and naysayers wept

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

We came across this week's special guest reader while strolling down the street in Bremerton, Washington. A scrappy mutt sat on a flattened cardboard box with a jar in front of him that said "tips". One of the Zen Ramblings Zodiac Squad asked the dog, "Where's your master, little guy?" to which the mutt responded, "You're looking at him." He refused to speak again until we tipped him. Two dollars and some loose change later, the dog introduced himself as Wags and began regaling us with his life story. The details will have to wait for another day, but we decided that Wags would be able to bring a particularly unique point of view to the horoscopes. A twenty dollar tip provided us with the following gems of wisdom.

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sifting through the racks

the perfect color and fit

my elusive prey

original photo by Rob BensonChapters

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Some self-important son of a bitch from about 2200 years ago stumbled upon one of the secrets of nature and got it in his fool head that he could kill the world. That's the thing about... people. That word makes my teeth go bitter. The thing about people is they think there's anything in and of this planet that can get rid of everything, or even a good part of everything. Hell, I guess when you live in a village with a population of 50 just north of some muddy river it seems possible that the whole world could get destroyed. But it can't. No force short of a moon-sized rock from space has the power to end our existence once and for all. Try telling that to Sonny, though. Bumpkin never did learn how to listen.

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original photo by Karen KnorrChapters

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Normally I wouldn't ask this because it's kinda silly, but try to put yourself in my place. I'd been darting from shelter to shelter for a week straight trying not to get devoured by starving former supermodels and rental trophy wives, only staying alive because I had a blonde-haired beast of legend following me around. I stank like a whole platoon fresh outta some goat farm outside Kabul and when I finally get to where I was going, first thing I see is a swan doing something uncivilized to a potted orchid. A different man, one who hadn't seen the things I've seen, would've checked right out at that moment. But not me. I stepped over the swan and walked through the foyer of the mansion, following the sound of pistol fire.

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thumbs ache from buttons

mashed all day for the high score

I'll beat tomorrow

The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

This week we are honored that William T. Haberman (Bill to his associates), the Chief Financial Officer at the Birrus/Cole Corporation, has taken time out of his busy schedule to read the stars for us. We are contractually bound to inform you readers that the Birrus/Cole Corp is a Fortune 500 company on the cutting edge of modern business solutions and an innovator responsible for next-gen paradigms in the think-heavy lifestyle. Also, Mr. Haberman would like to add that in the United States of America everyone is innocent until proven guilty regardless of the allegations leveled against them in a 1500-word investigative piece featured in the Wall Street Journal.

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fluid ounce of gold

awaiting the kiss of lime

sitting in my glass

Chapters

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original photo by GW BurnsWe were on Link's trail for months, but no matter how close it felt like we were getting everything went cold eventually. I was missing something. The pet spent most afternoons sleeping in the back of the car, coming alive at night when the scent of its kind stuck in the air like pricey perfume and burning leaves. I never did find out what happened to the car's owner. Maybe he ran off or maybe something worse, something stranger happened before I could get down the hill in Kentucky. I was afraid of getting picked up when the missing person report registered, so I ditched the ride in West Virginia and got my hands on a U-Haul. The pet had the run of the trailer. I still don't know what it did back there, only that every time I lifted the gate I got hit with the momentary scent of sandalwood.

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